Aging with Grace

Last week, my boss helped me by telling me what to post in a group chat with the director; he often posts his own comments in a three-way conversation where the director thinks he is conversing with 3 people but in fact in most instances with my boss, since some of my comments came from him. I pause when I post, thinking about how I should state things since recently I've been criticised for some of my commentary. I do agree that I post aggressive statements to provoke people I communicate with.

But sometimes I wonder if the way I speak is not appropriate. I notice that I jump to certain conclusions without the proper build-up that would ease the transition to my conclusion, to give the listeners time to understand how I reached that conclusion. I am an instinctive thinker, and I speak from my gut instead of building a logical argument that would explain the reasoning behind my statements. I also speak too fast as if to show that I discovered the 'truth' before anyone. 

I wonder if it's a sign of cognitive defect or the reverse: speed of thought, as my mind is always thinking, looking at all the angles. I do notice that people are slow in thinking, which is a conceit when in fact this is the right tempo to let the group slowly understand the subject being discussed and allow everyone in the group to reach a common realization. Of course, each will have their own reaction and conclusion, but with the same understanding of the facts.

I am working with new people that I've met only a year or so ago, in a new assignment and with different circumstances that before were where I'd work with my former colleagues for several decades in the same department. The newness of the situation kept the mind alert, to understand the new social norms, way of speaking and working, especially with a much younger than me. I have to pay attention to what I say and do, as the young folks don't share the same views as a much older person.

Recently, a former colleague retired, and like me, has been in the company for 3 decades, and I felt sad that she left, as we worked together for several years before I transferred to another department. This move has been very fortunate, and I thank the stars for my luck to come into a new environment and meet new people. It does bring more pressure, but I have been moving around a lot in my career, so I enjoy the journey and have done this transformation many times.

I do have to pay attention to social cues and norms, and Toastmasters has helped me navigate this voyage as well as improve my speaking and leadership skills. I do fret that age will affect my cognition, that the episode with my boss is a sign of some decline. But it is my overthinking that is causing all these instead of just moving forward and just doing it. There will be stumbles and mistakes, but that should be taken as a normal occurrence, and one should be humble and keep one's composure.

Watching Old Movies

I watched Robert Mitchum in the film 'Friends of Eddie Coyle'. His portrayal of a tragic, middle-aged low-level hood trying to make ends meet,  lost in the machinations of the mob and law, and ended up dead as the fall-guy; laid low by his boss - playing at a higher level that he was unaware of. Mitchum was an actor that I admired in my youth and looking at his portrayal at the age of around 56 in a good film by Peter Yates recalled all his great qualities as an actor especially in the film 'Yakuza' possible the best film on that genre.

It felt strange seeing him in that role at my age about 4 years older than Mitchum when he made the film. I am that middle-age person he is portraying, trying to make ends meet in my own work, going to the office and doing my projects and staying relevant. I am good at what I do, having done this work for most of my 30 year career and I identified with the character of Eddie Coyle, not because I am in the same line of work but in the situation of being middle-aged in a harsh world though not in the deadly underworld of the Boston mob.

I watched this movie before but forgot it's intimacy and details and watching the movie at my age; felt different than when I admired Mitchum's work when I was young; watching 'Yakuza' with my father when the movie first came out in the 70's, combining my love of Japan and the action of martial arts and the American cowboy loner fighting against the Yakuza. Japan as a movie locale with a Westerner thriving in that culture such as Sen Connery as James Bond in 'You Only Live Twice'.

Both movies stared heroes of mine growing up and re-watching their movies decades later is poignant because I discovered these movies with my father who also admired both Robert Mitchum and Sean Connery. Connery was much younger when he made 'Your Only Live Twice' and he was a bigger influence to me and a great movie star. 

I watched 'Friends of Eddie Coyle' in a 85 inch screen, the image flashed by a projector, with large speakers providing a soundtract behind me, simulating the feeling of being in a movie house, s I lay on a benie bag looking up at the screen. It was as if I was back in the theathre many years ago watching Mitchum and enjoying his singular performance as an anti-hero; though without the adult understanding of the movie's context.      

Since reaching this age, I can see different angles that I was not aware of when I was younger, having the awareness of an older person, with the benefit of age and wisdom. Eddie Coyle did not have this awareness, caught up in his difficult life of crime and as he faced coming inprisonement. It was Mitchum's performance that was significant; portraying a character hurling towards his end as he enjoyed his beer watching a ball game as his 'friends' prepared to kill him. Perhaps this is a metaphor for the situation I face at work and life in my middle years.