Looking Back

I have lived sixty decades on this earth starting tomorrow;  quite a milestone writing this thought in words though I don't feel a bit different except perhaps feeling that time often moves in slow motion. I swam for 30 minutes this morning and ran on the treadmill for about 40 minutes yesterday. I may be healthier than most with my physical exercises while mentally I reflect more in my actions and thoughts. I don't need to reflect more than what happened this year.

I moved to a new department last February, leaving a stressful and toxic environment that pushed me to my limits; but glad to end up in a much better place with a mature leader and colleagues who are young and energetic and full of optimism. Before the move, I was living in limbo, while a new person took over my role and I was cast aside from working on specific projects. I had feelings of anxiety and stress; of self-doubt as my self-worth was affected and experienced some trauma.

I underwent several sessions with a therapist and practiced self-reflection and re-framing my experiences while I attended several courses online to gain credits and keep my certification as a project management professional. Keeping busy, positive self-reflection, gratitude and therapy kept me sane during these months. I also traveled locally to Florida and Boston and overseas to Prague, Malmo, and Copenhagen. I also watched opera, played golf, participated in Toastmasters meetings, and ran in some 5k races.

These activities allowed me to adapt to change, avoid harmful rumination, and emerge with a healthy mental state.  I worked on some new projects in my new post and in November, I took over several projects transitioned to me by another project manager who left the company. We went live last week on a significant project and will complete the annual year-end activities. I sent out an email reporting the go-live with some pride; though with the understanding that life has its ups and downs and I just had a temporary swing of the pendulum in my direction.

In this turn of events, half of my former squad was moved to another squad to improve efficiency which could be interpreted as not being effective in their former set-up. I felt vindicated that I was not the cause of the squad's problems which led to my transfer and change and the domain and platform leadership were just looking for a scapegoat to blame. The reorganization of the squad, resulting in the reduction of their scope, when I was no longer the squad lead, gave me an empty victory.

It was all for the good of the organization wherein my move triggered a change in squad leadership but was not enough to make the squad perform better instead the squad's scope was reduced and staff moved to a much better squad. I also perform better with a focused scope and with a better environment to grow and thrive in. We all went through a journey of personal discovery and change, and I did not succumb to my usual negative thoughts.

Another Day Another Dollar

For people in my situation, the only remedy is to keep going to the office, to show up for work despite the emotional turmoil that may exist in the mind. The company is a monolith that does not portray it's thinking, though one would normally believe that her representatives show the will of it's management. But these are ordinary people as well, the ones that one would normally turn to and they do try to best as well. So one should take their pronouncements with as grain of salt.

Nevertheless, one should keep engaging with the people and your supervisors so one does not lose touch of reality, to see the writing in the wall. I missed this opportunity, though there was a feeling in the back of my mind but I did try to look for other roles though my workload and personal challenges distracted me from going ahead. There was a lack of will, a momentary doubt that prevented me from going to any new role, preferring the comfort of my present position.

My mistake was to think that the departure of my boss would solve everything, thinking that her move to another role was proof that her criticism of me was without basis. But despite her lower position today, her assessments would still hold weight despite my protestations. So I lingered longer  until it was too late, when management made the decision for me and pushed me to a direction that I myself was moving towards. Now I feel I am in limbo, like a dead man walking, perhaps thinking of retirement and throwing in the towel.

But this is a great place to work, and if one shows his intention to adapt to the new role, willing to go forward and learn new skills, then I think one will be allowed to remain. The main enemy is one's own mind, where inertia and disinterestedness may keep you in your own silo, allowing oneself to be bewildered by the changing workplace. A writer is sometimes a voyeur, being a witness to the tumult surrounding him, not realizing that he needs to be engaged in his role as a participant in the melee.
  

Dreaming of Grandma

For the past several weeks, my wife and I are watching the detective series 'Vera', set in the North Cumberland locale of England. She reminds me at times of my grandmother who had the same set of driving discipline though she was a teacher and not a Detective Chief Inspector. We watch the show in our bedroom projected out to a 95 inch screen, giving an immersive experience. Watching made us forget the things that were giving us anxiety in the recent days: cancer surgery and changes at work.  But last night, the show reminded me again of grandma and her inspiration to face my troubles aside letting me forget them.

My main fear is really shame, to face people in the office, my friends and colleagues with the spectacle of my failure. It is not really the loss of my position but the loss of face. Deep down I realize that this maybe the best thing that has happened to me; to be relieved of a role that I no longer felt challenged and excited about. I was just just drifting, waiting for a disaster to happen, and to improvise my way out of problems. Frankly, I no longer cared about my job despite my ability to keep delivering as best I can, often late, the requirements needed by business.
 
I really should be jumping for joy despite the initial shock which was really because I did not see it coming, working through my recent troubles and work load. It was really the inevitable result after all the discussion with my boss, exchange of emails and frequent quest for a new role via the application system. But I had cold feet to see it through the end. Now the kick in the butt may just be what I need to move me forward. In fact, I was warned already by my former boss early last year, who herself was transferred to a another position, relieving her of her responsibility in our department. 

So it goes, as Kurt Vonnegut writes in 'Slaughterhouse Five'. A book I was reading this weekend. I also read a book on Edvard Munch and his painting 'The Scream' which  is something that I feel like doing with my present predicament; to scream my despair which is all in my mind ( fear of shame). I yearn for the simple days when I was growing up under the welcome embrace of grandma, when life was simple. So it goes. The important thing is to show up and go on living, to sweep away the anxiety and fear and look at the situation straight in the face. Not to accept defeat which is not the intention of the change but to adapt to the new. So it goes.  

Changes Cometh

There was significant news at the office today. The reorganization plans have been completed especially for Asia. My former office and department will be operational until end of 2010. At least there is a year for my former colleagues to prepare for. I had an online chat this morning with my former boss who is now in India for a project. We chatted briefly about the future. He assumed that I knew about the news but I didn’t. I read the official announcement near noon and I was surprised how sweeping and conclusive it was. (I guess I made the right move). I also had a chance to speak to my old friend who is now in France. He is in a powerful position and he blocked the project I am working on. But I think it will eventually be un-blocked.


There was also news about changes in the local office. It directly affected me because it concerned a person I knew who seemed to have a demotion as he went to a lower position. But I think he is a good guy and won’t mind the move. I think the writing on the wall is clear. The preparation for the contractor’s departure is being planned and management is making sure that risks are addressed. I wrote yesterday that some big changes are expected and I did not think it would come so soon – the next day in fact. I had a chance to talk to my boss at the end of yesterday and he seemed to be OK. But he also looked preoccupied which I guess was today’s news. I think the contractor staff from India will be impacted.



So the big news for today was the reorganization in both Asia and here in the USA office. One wonders if my functional boss will react or just roll over and take the punches. I saw him this morning but I think he left early. I guess the meeting at lunchtime with my old friend was rough. My old friend does wield a big stick and I don’t think my boss will feel good afterwards. In the afternoon, I met my hierarchical boss for our weekly and monthly meeting. The goal was to set my objectives for the year. But I think it was also to inform me about the changes. She assured me that it had nothing to do with me and I feel the same although it affects the project I am working in. It was a good meeting and I think she was making the extra effort to show her transparency to get any lingering thoughts from my mind.

But after having worked in a difficult environment like Asia where back stabbing seems to be an every day sport, the politics here is like child’s play. The main reason is that people are more decent, frank and straight-forward than perhaps anywhere in the world. To emphasize this fact, I am listening to Doris Kearns ‘Team of Rivals’ about Abraham Lincoln. The events described by the author are really politics at its blackest heights. But despite the black hearts of the protagonist, the efforts of Lincoln have proven to be enough to changes hearts and minds and given the people involved an opportunity to rise above their normally mean selves. The better angels of their nature have shined through. I guess there has not been the same circumstances in my mind where the people of Asia where ennobled in a manner that Lincoln has done for the American people.

On Borrowing Books

I enrolled at the company sponsored sports club. The offer is good and includes membership for the whole family for the cost of one. It’s a good deal and I plan to encourage my kids to go more to the sports club. They spend too much time in their room playing games or surfing the internet. I think they need more social activities and the sport club should be able to provide the right atmosphere. Initially, I did not like the added expense but I think it will be a good move for the family. Hopefully, my wife will be encouraged to exercise as well.

Last night I was on the phone to Singapore working on my kid’s academic grades. Their former schools need to send their transcript to a US organization prior to their enrollment. So I spent some time discussing with the customer service to speed up the process. I had sent the postage fee in US dollars and the staff insisted on Singapore dollars. So I called my old friend and asked a favor. He made up the check and sent it to the ministry. I will call again tonight to see if they received the payment. I need to follow-up more frequently now that school is approaching.




My younger son’s school has already sent the records for his post secondary classes. I now have to call my oldest son’s college to follow-up the records. It’s very tiring to call after work and try to convince people hundreds of miles away to work on your request. I hope it will be easier. The key is not to let things proceed by chance. Normally people may think that the work is done after sending the request by mail. A lot of things can happen along the way so one should be vigilant. I still have to call my credit card and real estate broker to settle these other issues. There is no one left who can work on these issues because my wife is not well and my kids are too young. I also feel that I should lead and manage this process because I have pushed them to move at the end of the day.


I had a good conversation with my friend and it’s good to talk to him after so long. His adopted son will soon join him in a couple of weeks and his life will soon change. A lot of changes will be happening soon to my old gang. One of them will be returning back to the Philippines, another will have his adopted son, while others may be moving to another country soon. So many changes for them as well and I may have started it all by moving here 2 and 1/2 months ago. Change is happening everywhere in people’s lives. I watched a 60 Minutes video on Barack Obama and I better understand his symbolism. It’s all about change in his mind and he is trying to lead it.

Barack is more a symbolic inspirational leader in contrast to Bill Clinton who is also an inspirational leader but is smarter and knows how to get things done. I guess Barack is the right person appearing at the right time in the history of the US. As a symbol, his victory validates the American dream. He is the mid-point between 2 warring sides and is the best candidate that is appreciated by the world. I am getting to be more interested in local history and I borrowed Doris Kearns ‘Team of Rivals.’ I also borrowed a book called ‘Lost Triumph’ about Gettysburg. I was in the library yesterday and I was amazed at the quality of the books. The audio visual section was quite good and comparable to the best in Singapore. It was just a local library branch and it’s resources where impressive for a local branch.



Strangely, while walking around, I was not as thrilled or excited as I should have been in a library. Instead I felt more tried and had the realization that I would not have the time to read and listen and borrow all the books and movies and audio books at this stage in my life. It’s like my days of reading are gone and that I should move forward and do something more concrete rather than making me smart. I felt that now is time of application of all the things that I have read and learned. Or, maybe it was because I was tired and I had so many things to do. I have to apply for my driving license soon as well as complete my son’s application to college, push both of them to learn driving and exercise in the gym so they would be physically healthy to handle any stress in school and/ or life. That’s my challenge: to plan for a soft landing for my family here in this big move.

Dead Duck

Things are moving fast at the office. I am often relegated to the sidelines. But I have no urge to control events. In fact, I allow events to proceed and empower the staff to do their work. I am glad that they have a lot of initiative and I just manage the major policy initiatives. Unfortunately this has resulted in my being perceived as not adding any value. In the company’s retrenchment exercise, I seem to end right smack in the candidate list to be retrenched. I cannot focus as well on my other projects as I am stretched too thin with so many things to do. Really the role is more of a coordinator than anything else is and to strive to be more will just bring resentment and diminish the initiatives of the staff.

Somehow I am glad this exercise has occurred. I think it something that needs to be done every 5 years or so to keep things fresh in the organization. Otherwise work can be pretty stagnant and stale with lack of innovation. The employees just need to stay relevant and avoid being stuck in a rut. Even if we do get retrenched, it is a further challenge to look for another job and keep one more attuned to the market. Of course it is a painful process but the only way to keep young I guess.

I cannot wallow in self-pity just waiting for the ax to fall. It is depressing to think like that and I cannot help but feel like that. I guess it must be the same for some people in the office to face one’s demons and endure. But one should not just lie down and die but move forward and try to contribute to events. These things always result in people thinking about emigrating, to search for more greener pastures or perhaps a more stable life. In fact, this is the second country that I have worked in at a long period of time. Perhaps now is the time to plan to immigrate to another country. Perhaps it will be some place with less change. But no one really can escape change.