Townhall Communication Stress

This morning, I attended the company's bi-annual town hall with networking opportunities to meet with my colleagues and exchange pleasantries. I usually get paranoid in these events, seeing people's faces long after the event, with imagined grievances or shortcomings in my part, of missed opportunities to speak and express oneself. Like a politician, I gravitate towards meeting people and having conversations, but in these events, one must control one's natural urges and keep to a short group.

The main speaker provided an excellent analysis of the department's situation and proposed actions, well-prepared and delivered well. The next speaker did not have the same breadth of topic and gravitas, but held her own with an honest appeal to action. Her intent was to tell all those gathered what a good job they had done under her leadership, of course. It was a welcome event, though my usual overthinking got the better of me as I went through my usual thoughts of contempt for those gathered, with imagined slights of not noticing me.

In the evening, while having dinner, I watched the movie 'Touched by Lightning' about President James Garfield and his assassin, who was well played by the actor. His raving mind and psychotic behavior reminded me of myself, especially after meeting many people in public events, as I want to withdraw and be myself to restore my equilibrium. I had lunch after the event and went back to the office to work in the afternoon, where I responded to emails followed worked via group chat.

I am still absorbing yesterday one and one meeting with my boss, where he challenged me to lead and be a dynamic leader instead of being passive, which is my nature. These one-on-one meetings are challenging as my boss gets right to the heart of the matter, of the areas where I need improvement, and says the right words to shame me into action. These are personal and challenging sessions, which I like because I respect my boss, who thinks at a higher level than most people.

I got to both absorb the internal challenge and, in my raw state, attended the public meeting where my mind succumbed to paranoid overthinking, which I managed well by keeping my wits despite the background noise of my monkey mind. Even my friends were not spared from my jealousy and contempt as I had to focus the bringing my thinking out from the gutter. I went to the gym and used the treadmill for 35 minutes, used the steam room, and had a refreshing shower.

The session at the gym was enough to restore me from the stress of today's events and the work back at the office, where even the emails gave me anxiety. I strive to be calm and have an even temperament, but this state is not really possible in the public sphere. I have to isolate myself and exercise to keep me sane. I received the overhead projector that displayed astronomical images like the moon and the night sky, and lay down and looked at the images in the ceiling while listening to the sublime music of Avro Part; an experience close to meditation and relaxation.