Slow Motion

I have adjusted to the idea of my new role, having attended a few meetings and speaking about the change to several people in the office. I overcame my initial feeling of fear and shame. My therapist said that I should not use the word 'fear' but more of 'discomfort'. So my feeling are not really fear and anxiety but discomfort. It makes sense I should NOT fear getting fired since that should have happened already; instead of announcing the department change, as compared to our contractors were several people were let go. My new boss said the employees will be protected but the contractor will be adversely impacted.

There is another emotion that I feel which is losing out on an opportunity to work in another department (though one is not really sure if one will get the position). I guess it is having no options left if I do not apply; getting stuck with nowhere to go. I guess the overriding 'fear' is that my management does not really need me and are just waiting to let me go, despite all the things that I have done. This is when the doubts creep in the early morning, as I lie in bed staring out into the dark room. Where did I make the wrong turn? What point in time was I heading in the wrong direction, or when did I miss the signs? Did my career really mean nothing.?

Of course, this is useless rumination as my therapist said in our session last week. To keep regurgitating the same thoughts over and over again like a broken record. But it is hard waiting for the transition to happen, seeing the signs that tell my mind to look for other work as I head down into a place where there is nothing left for me to do. Obviously, this is the intended course: to offload your present duties so you can work on your new ones. The fear is realizing that you do not have the skills to function adequately in your new role.

I bought cheap online courses to start learning: JAVA programming and SQL. I have an image of myself being a student again; putting my notebooks into school bag where I can write notes as I learn from the internet.This is the best way forward, to dig in and get the skills that one needs. This was the original intention of this blog anyway, to learn new things as the new world gets underway. But things are moving at a glacial pace, like I am watching myself in slow motion as we hurl into the abyss of the new, where everyone is trying to get a sense of what to do next while the boss is just 'winging' it just like everyone else.

Lost Weekend

I tried catching up on my reading last weekend. I borrowed too much books on finance and investment, rushing along to keep in touch with the latest trends. I think I have reached a good level of understanding of present trends. But it was not only investment books but on other subjects like resilience (by meditation, self-awareness and reflection exercise, etc.), exotic vacations and obscure books like Monsieur Pain. Usually I speed read the book that I am interested in. Otherwise, I just read the chapters I like. I guess it is more like a grasping on quantity rather than quality. The good books I do read slowly while the others I just skim along.

I discovered a new writer in Roberto Bolano. He writes with traces of Garcia-Marquez but with a more sinister bent. His work is like a combination of the exoticness of Arturo-Perez Reverte and a restrained Marquez. He evoked the sensuousness of Latin America as depicted in Botero’s painting and sculptures. But he is more refined and disciplined. More like a more accessible Borges. I hope to read more of his book and see that a few books of his exist in the library. These days I prefer to borrow audio books so I can listen in the car only resort to actual reading if I really have to. If I do need to read, I speed read those books that I don’t need to enjoy.

I borrowed too much DVDs and wasted time watching them. There is a lack of control in my part though I sometimes suspect that it is more a reaction to stress. Is it really a desire to satisfy my curiosity? Or is it more a gluttony of books and movies? If these urges where focused on food, then I would probably be obese. A need for control and discipline is needed which I think can be gained by self-reflection, mindfulness and meditation. It’s all in the book ‘Bounce’ which re-emphasizes my attachment to self-reflection via journaling via blogging. On meditation, my daily quasi Tai Chi exercises provide some peace but I need try Yoga as well for its physical benefits. I think its these tasks – journal writing, Tai Chi and exercise that have kept me sane.

I wanted to watch a move with my kids this weekend but there where no takers. Instead I borrowed the following movies: ‘Bad Lieutenant – Port of Call New Orleans’, ‘2012’, ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor, Spy’, ‘Magnolia’, ‘A Dangerous Man’, ‘Monster Thursday’ and ‘Burmese Harp.’ They are all good movies but I particularly like ‘Tinker, Tailor,..’ which is an English television series starring Alec Guinness. It is a good intelligent thriller that relies on old fashioned drama and skilled acting and good plot rather than special effects. It’s a movie I will surely watch again (in fact I have already watched it before) together with the conclusion ‘Smiley’s People’.

An old friend from Singapore is arriving on Wednesday. We last saw each other a year ago in Singapore. Her family has moved to Canada though they may move here in 2-3 years. Only 2 dear friends are left in Singapore. It’s amazing how life turns out in all its surprises. We won’t be able to see her right away since we will be traveling this week. But we will still see her next week when we come back. Perhaps it’s fate that our lives would entwine again in this region of the world. I had thought that Singapore was the culmination of our lives but now seems only a transition. But the story is not finished and one day I may find myself back there again.