Garage Mess

Last Saturday I attended a leadership training session from 9 am – 2 pm, making it 2 weekends in a row where I devoted time to Toastmasters; my mind questioning if it is good use of time, unlike last weekend where one was able to do tasks planned; but this weekend was not productive, unable to work on organizing my garage, an activity I had hope to complete.  The week past was also a series of attending seminars on new software or new initiatives, taking time from my usual work which was setting up accounts and tasks, working on service request, instead jumping from meeting to meeting or training to training. It is the first time I find ‘time’ is a commodity I no longer have control, especially in the weekend where I have to do housework due to the illness in the family. So I try to organize myself during the week, so I could focus on essential tasks, but losing my weekend when external activities intrude plus the unplanned breakdown of iRobot, increasing my weekend vacuuming chores, forcing me to research on how iRobot can be repaired and buying the parts and equipment from Amazon, another unplanned activity that took my precious weekend time.

I discovered that my house plants were spilling water into the floor, the plant container had drainage holes that I did not see, leaking into the wooden tiles and warping its texture, needing me to purchase plant containers that I could put underneath to capture the water spillage, also necessitating the replacement of my watering can to a much smaller tool for indoors. I wondered if I am unnecessarily complicating my life, putting too many plants indoor and spending too much time taking care of them, as if I had lots of free time but plants to help make the air better plus psychological benefits like reducing stress. Unfortunately for me, increases work as well. Sometimes I feel that I am spending too much to accumulate stuff; plants, gardening equipment, cooking tools, new technology devices, etc. that I am buried in materialism, a condition that I had hoped to avoid, finding myself in a situation where I crave simplicity but had complicated my life unnecessarily. Perhaps it will turn out well in the end, when the urge to purchase is no longer there, instead enjoying a sort of serenity lost in the materialistic drive brought by envy and the desire for things. Satisfying the urge something kills the urge, ‘been there - done that’ sort of thing, but the never ending stream of the new is seductive.

One had also hoped to start a new blog on cooking, a new venture to monetize this venture, capitalizing on experience and new knowledge on making money online after watching a series of videos in Roku, an informative and unforeseen resource; the road suddenly open with new ideas. Plans are afoot to use YouTube, Word Press, Google Ad Sense and other such techniques now available in the internet economy, realizing that my experiments and current failure to earn money by blogging has given insight on how to succeed.  The elements are in place but not having time to work on them. This was my other activity for the weekend aside from organizing the garage, instead, watching movies saved in the DVR and drinking cocktails. I did manage to clean the house but never getting the chance to the do the real tasks I had planned. It now seems that activities planned for the weekend slips into the work week, with things planned for work slip into ones free time, where ones work life blends into unlikely time streams, where anything can be done, work and play boundaries dissolving as one now works in his bedroom or bathroom, technology providing mobility everywhere. The new world where time and place disappears with the ability to continue ones activities where and when ever needed. The mind needs to adjust to this spontaneous fluidity of work.

Poe’s Heart

It’s all about anxiety according to the book by Dr. Richard Restak; come to think of it, that’s true as it inhibits one’s courage and prevents people from achieving their potential. It is a world where anxiety reigns, defined as unrealistic scenarios plaguing the mind, unlike fear which is a reaction against a real threat like a bear chasing you.  So apprehension is manufactured by the brain, a cognitive failure that one does not recognize until his life draws to an end or towards middle age that one question what happened to his life; why did one not take another road in his life’s journey. A heart attack or other maladies like hypertension or auto immune disease are likely a result of chronic stress (as well as a bad lifestyle, poor diet and no exercise); but anxiety is a mental illness, an emotional problem causing stress. Recently, after watching a Yale lecture in YouTube, one learns that anxiety is an emotional disorder. It is this disorder that is shaping one’s life as he grows, making choices based on his cognitive disability; swerving here and there to avoid stress and nervousness or suffering from it as the case may be.

Last weekend friends come over the house for lunch of chili crab, ‘laksa’, spicy Thai barbecue (or satay), fried chicken, clams cooked with butter, homemade ice cream, white wine and coffee. It was fun with different nationalities: French, Thai and Filipino; diversity dissolving into commonalities. We watched photo albums in YouTube playing out in a huge television, of past lunches in Robinson Lake or other such get-together. Previously one experiences stress and angst when organizing these social events but now comes easily, no trace of discomfort, just the mechanical preparation of food and place. I guess the ease has come with repeated practice, lunches that one has organized in the past, same with the ease with the other things one does in work and life; managing projects, leading teams, traveling and working with people of different cultures. It is the constant stretching; to go beyond one’s comfort zone that drive one to experience new things and do them often to get expertise. But one needs to correct one’s cognitive bias and go beyond one’s normal fretfulness.

Being a creative writer (or working on any other endeavor) is ham stringed by nervousness; one does not really know if the work will be rejected; hence, one procrastinates because of this unease. The emotion cannot be called fear because it is not a real threat; can one call it fear of failure or just simply anxiety? Working in a new role is another challenge, where one is paralyzed into inactivity because of worry; unable to move forward because of mental demons (so EST training encourages one to ‘just be’). In fact life is not as difficult as one thinks; one can be all he can by just moving forward without angst. Yesterday, looking at my caricature after being drawn by a local artist during the Christmas lunch, one sees a chubby balding man, with pleasant features, seemingly like a kind uncle without knowledge of the churning ideas and anxieties plaguing his mind. The caricature is supposed to highlight certain features, exaggerating them to a sort of animated reality, to a cartoon that one faces a mediocrity of unfulfilled promises shackled by anxiety.

Nostalgia

Last night I watched ‘A Day in a Life’, a movie sponsored by YouTube where people around the world sent video clips of themselves or of some subject on a particular July day in 2010. It was an intriguing movie, where the director strung together all those different clips sent by diverse people all over the world to create a stirring narrative; a reality show about life on Earth. Peppered with modern music, clever editing and inspiring stories, one cannot help but be moved by the spectacle of life. After watching the movie including the bonus scenes, I felt nostalgic and went to my YouTube account to look at the videos I created myself, a sort of video album, watching the clips of my life in Singapore, the lunch and picnics with friends and my recent travels in North America. I watched the clips in my tablet, flicking from one video clip to another like looking at pictures in a photo album, realizing that this is the modern way of remembering one’s memories, all electronic with one’s past stored in the cloud; somewhere in the ether of the Internet.

After watching my memories play out in the screen, I reviewed my stories from the 2 creative writing class I took in the Spring and Summer, re-reading my assignments especially the story I wrote about my grandmother. There is some talent I believe, but raw and in need of structure and editing, an assessment that one can only make after some time, when the emotion of writing these pieces have gone so that one can return and criticize with a more balanced attitude. I realize that one works with his memories, the images that play out in his mind, the creative spark that seeks expression in writing. Sometimes I fear that not writing a novel soon will let me forget all those experiences that I had in the past, the fodder of novels that one creates out of his own life happenings. But I realize that my pictures and video memories preserved in YouTube will help me together with my journal writings. I guess it’s the first draft of one’s future books where one can return to his past and creatively fashion a story.

It is strange that this feeling has come upon me now. Living in a house has given me a feeling of permanency, of roots that one can build on. I had never had this feeling before, where the mind can stop and look around; perhaps it’s playing golf every weekend that my mind relaxes. Admittedly there is no stimulation or temptation present in large cities like Singapore or Manila or Bangkok or Tokyo, that one has a routine (or boring) life: exercise at the gym after work, watch movies or television at home, surfing the Internet and reading a book plus playing golf on weekends. There is space in one’s life that one can achieve more. But one goes into a rut by filling space, like buying stuff that one does not need due to the abundance of money or credit. Similarly one buys stuff to fill up one’s home or packs senseless activity to fill one’s time. Hence, one does not work on the true goal.

For instance, I have a goal to write a book but I never get to write except in journals or in creative writing classes.  But I know it’s a start especially if one realizes the gap: the gap between having a goal against the activities that one does (or does not do) to achieve it. It becomes a design problem where one determines alternatives and how to reduce the gap.

This is the premise of a design class I am attending online in Coursera.org. To re-frame the problem is intriguing: it’s not a problem of procrastination or focus but one that needs a design solution. Hence, why don’t I write? Because I watch movies, play golf and read too many books or magazines. My spare time is filled with activities that I don’t have time to write. How do I solve this gap? Perhaps by having a regular writing time, or use technology like recording devices and speech to text software in order to speed up the writing of a draft. Perhaps it’s a lack of skill that one needs to learn more by attending writing classes or reading ‘how to books’ (which I do already). Therefore the problem is solvable: to use new technology, set a regular work ethic and learn new skills – one needs to design a solution to the problem. The other way is to cut down on one’s task and free up more time: less golf, less reading, less watching movies and less internet surfing. Perhaps it is a mix of both options that will bring the answer.

Examined Life

I posted some pictures during the weekend to my social network site. It was the first time I posted pictures of my family. Previously most of the pictures I posted where about my work and colleagues. So I changed my privacy setting to allow only friends to access my profile and pictures. I guess I wanted to show what a life for someone like me is. Social networking is a way to leave some sort of record of one’s existence. What is a life? The question is answered while looking at the entries at these sites and seeing the pictures of all your friends and acquaintances as they grow old and live their lives. It may one way of finding meaning to life.


One day these sites will be the repository of all one’s existence. Future researchers would not need to travel to distant places, to dig up records or interview people. It will all be done in the web where all one’s life is in YouTube or FaceBook or in a blog. One could see how life has unfolded for people and documenting their passage in earth. These things provide the modern equivalent of reflecting about one’s life. Sometimes it would be a stupid video of one foolishly dancing in ancient ruins or a prank or playing basketball or something. But I think it would provide a momentary pause, and a slight second of reflection will cross the mind. Hence, it is the examined life in full Technicolor of videos, photos or blogs.



Is this what the Greek philosophers where saying when an unexamined life is not worth living? In this regard, everyman and his dog has a chance to review your life and give comments. All the latest technology provides everyone with the ability to document his life and inner thoughts hopefully, to make the world a better place by giving each one a chance to reflect on his life. Perhaps to even compare with others, to benchmark and see how others have lived their life and maybe to copy or learn from them. I read somewhere that the Kennedys are popular because their pictures provided a glimpse into their lifestyle and people try to follow them.

Unfortunately, all sorts of things are out there in the Internet. Some are garbage like famous movie stars with terrible videos of their sex lives that it's embarrassing. People like Paris Hilton or Pamela Anderson or another such famous people. Most of these videos where stolen illicitly but is now open to the public where everyone can comment on them and give their opinion. For the more normal folks like me, one just writes blogs, post pictures or videos in social networking sites and keep everyone informed. I guess it is a way to open oneself up and keep in touch. I used to think that checking emails, social sites like Facebook, or Yahoo Groups was a waste of time. In fact, it's staying in touch like calling an old friend and chatting on the phone but in global larger scale.

So is that a life? The sum of a person’s existence is seen in his blog, YouTube and Facebook. Can that provide a glimpse of what that person really is? Is being active with these new modern tools constitute an examined life as suggested by the philosophers? Sometime the feedback of this openness results in more self reflection and analysis. Posted videos of one’s shameful escapades often result in shame and ridicule which do change the people involved. The ability of the Internet to provide both self-reflection and feedback to one’s life can make one a better person or destroy one’s life. It’s suddenly a new force if one agrees to be connected and expose oneself to all that is out there in cyberspace.