New Battles

With my career at the office at almost 30 years, looking for enthusiasm and excitement in the daily drudgery is not that difficult. I think I have achieved some peace by focusing on the moment though sometimes one thinks of the status of what one must have at my age and years of service. But that reeks of feeling privilege breeds resentment and rumination when one just needs to enjoy the simple aspects of working every day; be able to do one's trade to the best of one's abilities.

Others who are more fortunate to go up the ladder quickly do not make me feel bad though sometimes one feels resentment but with the realization that a higher role may not be apt for one's temperament. I like being in the front line so to speak, to be James Bond out in the fields instead of this boss 'M'. Smiley in John Le Carre's book is a good example of a master handler; orchestrating spy coups while working behind the scenes though this work did have its moments of strategy, boldness, and discrete actions.

Working with much younger people who are driven and smart does not exclude me from the game as I keep trudging along with difficult projects though far from the work that attracts the limelight. Like Smiley, I like to delve into the shadows, orchestrating and coordinating work behind the scenes so that my colleagues do recognize my experience and subtleness; not the usual blow-hard pronouncements of the grizzled old veteran. Somehow I manage to keep the youthful enthusiasm and spirit of a much younger man; without the bitterness or sullenness of a middle-aged careerist who may not have ascended the heights of management.

I do say what I feel and bring out my thoughts that others might be circumscribed to control that one may have a reputation of being a loose canon instead of a feel-good management climber who says what people like to hear.  I still have this urge to throw the bomb out of my own nature to say it it is but perhaps this hint of feeling bypassed that one needs to take a stand out of experience while must the younger generation. After all, I am a veteran of multiple projects and worked in different places like Asia, Europe, and US. So I have the gravitas of the old experienced warrior who may have crossed a few lines that prevented a career rise.

One is just grateful to be working in the field, doing what one does with quiet victories, and achieving simple goals like regular golf, Toastmaster's meetings, running 5k races, biking and hiking, and enjoying good food and movies. To be mentally and physically healthy with the good cheer of the old happy worker living out the remaining years of a long career with a chance to achieve a lifelong career in retirement that one has been preparing oneself is the ultimate victory of this quiet journey.

In the meantime, one faces new battles with new actors on the stage, a new way of working, a young and envigorated management team plus exciting developments in technology like AI that could potentially change the way one works. The old warrior adapts and journeys to this new terrain, keeping his wits with his nose close to the ground, keeping himself fit to maintain the relevance and stamina needed in the new workplace after the specter of COVID finally recedes in the background. 

Keeping Grudges

Yesterday I competed in a 5k race downtown with slight rain pouring down at different times. It was a nice day when the sun came out for a few moments but mostly downcast and cloudy. Running along the city streets, the park, and the swamp rabbit trail where we normally biked on weekends, it was a great morning despite the rain.  In the afternoon, I went swimming for about 30 minutes and enjoyed the hot tub and sauna. I ate Cuban roast pork with mojo sauce at lunch and enjoyed a glass of wine. It took more than 6 hours to cook the roast pork.  I drank cafe liqueur with gin and tonic water. 

Today, Sunday, afternoon I biked for 2 hours struggling with my racer bike because my e-bike had a flat. Nevertheless, it was a nice though cold and windy day. We biked after lunch with the remaining Cuban roast pork with black beans and yellow rice with mojo sauce. I ate too much which made me want to exercise to compensate for too much food and drink. I try to enjoy myself with activity as my mind keeps having thoughts of resentment of my former management, those moments of humiliation and anger that I keep inside. Despite my attempts at meditation and mindfulness and consciously avoiding troubling thoughts, my mind circles back to past grievances.

My week in the office was good with the team getting back to work after the Christmas holidays and getting on with new challenges. I continue to lead the obsolescence and migration project as the other PM is on vacation. I brought in new people - a database expert, a full-stack architect, and additional testing resources. I organized a meeting to get an old architectural document updated and responded to emails on this topic. I also attended meetings on a crisis impacting customers who are using multiple systems to create their accounts. I am also preparing for a major system testing scheduled this year.

All this new work is good for me to keep occupied, practice my trade as a project manager, learn new topics, and lead these activities to fruition. I also participated in Toastmeast meetings, evaluated a speech, and went to the gym to prepare the the 5k race this weekend. Despite this busy schedule, I can't help but have these churning thoughts of past resentments dominate my mind during moments of idle thought. Meditation does allow me to monitor my mind and try to consciously leave this state of negative thinking. It is a struggle especially when I sleep in the evening.

Meditation is supposed to deconstruct the mind according to some thoughts, but the struggle is to construct it in a state of 'non-duality' which is not an easy task as the EGO always comes back with a vengeance. I feel less hesitant moving forward on my projects, and less self-doubt which is the benefit of a less troubled mind with churning thoughts, trying to avoid 'predictive thinking' and living in the now. This is the task one needs to train the mind as it comes out of meditation with the awareness of churning thoughts.