Spring Cometh

Spring is here. Last week the lingering cold of winter remains though spring is around the corner with buds coming out, birds and bees fly about. Time to focus on lawn care by spraying weed killer, scarifying the lawn, and laying out weed and feed granules. I thought about doing all these tasks in one day but realized it's my all or nothing mindset. Instead I cleared out the old pergola, rearranged the furniture and will spray weed later at dusk. I will do the other tasks later in the week.

The week at work had some diffcult meetings where I needed to re-schedule to clear up some concerns though I did not follow the procedure and went about my bullying and authoritarian ways. My boss gave his usula feedback and said I was doing good, being a veteran project manger and giving guidance to the younger people in the team. Of course, I am the oldest person in the department having close to 30 years of service so I am the eldest in the department which makes me feel dated and irrelevant.

He did say that my character fault is being abrasive which is a trait I admit to have, due to my feeling of superiority; not recognizing that people don't have a hyper-active mind like me. Surprise! Yesterday I participated as judge in the TM area contest and the speeches where very good, with a much higher quality of speeches than the usual area contest. It was a challenge to decide on the best when almost all were very good speakers; mostly coming from the same club. I like going to these events and listening to the speeches as judge. Perhaps my abrasiveness  is due people not living to the TM standards.

I spoke to an old friend, an office mate and toastmaster herself, roughly the same age and with similar years of service. We talked about retirement and about the old department where I used to work in together with her and exchanged notes on the leadership who did not treat me well. I was traumatized during that period though I recovered from the ordeal. The transition to my new post had been good though internally I was plaugued by doubt and everytme I have difficult meetings, I have attacks of imposter syndrome.

These episodes of stress are momentary as my meditation and mindfulness practice helped me evolved away from my usual catastrophic mindset which hit the apex in my last department role. Social interactions with my friends who are aware of my difficulties with a younger colleague, also a "friend" have been ackward but I exhibited my best behavior; keeping any anger in check and moving on. But I will never have the same closeness with my clique as our values are not the same. They now seem trivial and foolish with a shallow view of life.

I watched the film 'Siddharta' and listened to the book by Herman Hesse where the film was based, about the awakening of a young Brahmin. It's the type of book that one should read when young or when middle aged, searching for enlightenment in one's remaining years. Hesse was a Nobel awardee and so is Anne Ernaux whose book about a physical affair between an elder writer and a younger man would seem like overly sexual in an earlier time. The contrast between Earnaux and Hesse is stark; as if the world turned into hedonism and pleasure.

I am aware when my mind hits it's day dreaming mode, as if stuck in limbo the way a computer would "hang"; the mind filled with multiple thoughts and tasks. I wonder if this is the result of age; though I do have contradictory impulses or too much tasks like wanting to write a book, go to the gym, learn French and play the ukelele and guitar. The mental lapses is managed with TDSC and TMS devices especially in the afternoon as the mind gets tired and loses attention.

I have been using music and sound therapy, binaural beats and Georgian chants to suppliment my morning meditation. I also juggle and plan to play computer games to keep my cognition sharp. I worry that my mental state will deteriorate faster if I don't continue learning and meditate. This is the challenge of getting old and sometimes spring and summer give hope of renewal. I dreamed recently of being in a war, not with guns or bulletes, but of boundaries with people running in rolling fields and hillsides, protecting their territory with bluster.

Crossing a Threshold

I feel that I have overcome major obstacles recently, though I am not sure what. Perhaps it was the start-up presentation, the recent completion of a project or the good progress of others. Perhaps it is the recognition that I have considerable experience in what I do. Also being assigned to a significant undertaking is another step up. A lot of work lies ahead, and it would be a long journey for one undertaking, and it would be the first time such a major task that I would lead.

Perhaps it is the stillness of my mind due to meditation or mindfulness or just old age that I meet these new challenges with calmness. A recent podcast in 'The Art of Manliness' talked about the expansion of time, where time seems to expand during a traumatic event even if the actual activity took only a few seconds. Young people seem to enjoy this 'slowness' of time while middle-aged people seem to wonder how time flies. However, the time can be 'expanded' by meditation, which I agree.

The work environment also has a sober atmosphere, not driven by confusion or unwarranted urgency; where challenges are not dealt with panic or finger pointing, which I had in my previous department. It was a toxic place that brought out the panic mode of my character, contributing to churning thoughts and anxiety. I feel that I am in the company of more intelligent and professional colleagues that I count on to help me and watch my back. 

The character of our boss is the main reason for this state of affairs as he stays above the fray and gives his team freedom to handle the project being worked on. This confidence and his down-to-earth demeanor, plus his competency, brings out the best of us. The only obstacle is my own nature, where I like to grandstand and speak out of competitiveness to be noticed and recognized. The best thing I could do is to shut up and listen and speak only when asked.

This is the best circumstance where one could grow and thrive. I have finally arrived at a place where I could prosper, with the right people who are smart and intelligent and where I could learn something new, not in a competitive way but in a relaxed, loving environment. For sure, I have to keep growing, to learn new subjects and new skills, to change my normal inclination to talk and be more thoughtful in my response and measured in my response.

The days of being a swashbuckling super hero are long gone, mainly because of my role, my age, my circumstances and the demands of my role. Recently my thoughts were filled with memories past: my time in Singapore, in the old company in Alabang, of past friends and acquaintances. Facebook is filled with pictures of former classmates, co-workers, friends, and places. I posted yesterday pictures of a race I competed in, running amongst green fields as if I was a youngster.

I also started to relive past projects, past successes and victories as I looked in my old computer files as I got a new laptop. Past events that had escaped my mind as I was assigned a new project with old colleagues on a system, and I had managed for a long time, about 4 or 5 years ago, before COVID and the change to Lean and Agile. It was as if I had returned back in time to relive past victories and reclaim some of the magic of youth when everything seemed possible.

Shared Consciousness

Last week, I presented my project at the weekly meeting of the management team. I was anxious but kept my focus, maintaining focus and calm instead of my usual distraction and escape via day dreaming. Mindfulness and meditation kept me aware without succumbing to rumination and doomsday thinking. This was not a difficult task since I have been a Toastmaster for over a decade and had my share of public speaking assignments. It was the presence of upper management that gave me stress.

However, I did not waver, keeping my wits and speaking my spiel at the right tempo, though I was not able to answer the questions from the audience. Still, I did get help from some of the attendees. It was a good presentation despite my impression that I should have done better. I had several other meetings during the week where I led the discussions and also did well; voicing my views and leading the sessions. I am already too old to still feel these jitters despite my experience and training.

Yesterday, we had another get together with my friends, though I still feel alienated from the group despite our long relationship and friendships. I have never been comfortable in these settings and prefer drinking sessions with vigorous discussion of timely topics instead of the silliness and self-righteousness of these gatherings, feeling superior to others without understanding the realties of life; focusing on trivialities and materialism. Nevertheless, the food is always good, though I overeat and have to struggle to lose weight in the next few days.

I realize that my thoughts of superiority, to be above their silliness, is also vain exercise; feeling like I am better than them, but I may be the worse of the lot, and thinking too much instead of enjoying the moment. I still feel angry about some office politics and intrigue with some so-called 'friend' who distorts the topic behind my back, corrupting the friendship of my other friends, making me feel the outsider though I do not accept that I am at fault.

The mix of work and friendship is never good, especially if there is envy and competition and delusions put into the mix. But fortune has swung my way and I feel that I am in a good place, able to do my work, surrounded with good colleagues who are young and smart and energetic with a fair and good boss with good projects assigned to me that I feel I am finally thriving. Last week's presentation is a further step forward, away from the turmoil and bad management of the past.

In fact, my former department seems to be in turmoil with delayed projects, production issues, and the departure of key people plus significant reorganization. My department is also undergoing changes, though in a good way, with delivery of new application features, learning new techniques and growing our skills. I feel more confident in my schedule and leading meetings and getting things done whereas my former colleagues seem stuck in the same toxic environment.

 

Staying Inside

Recently I suggested a different tool to get work done, bypassing the usual process as the current situation did not warrant a real project yet.  In my eagerness to show that I am smart and filled with new ideas, I thought my proposal would be approved. Instead, it did not get any enthusiasm and I landed flat in my face, realizing how silly it seemed after though I was eager to support business to get things done. I was stuck in my head with churning thoughts, logically aligning ideas that it seemed a stroke of genius but ended up like an immature act.

No one wants to do additional work or go beyond the usual tools, to stay safe. This was the wall that I smacked into but in reality I should have known better than to act like an eager newbie rather than a grizzled old veteran. In the end, my natural inclination to act was not viewed as leadership or initiative but a trying-hard attempt to seize control from the higher-ups. It was my mind getting ahead of me, over thinking futile attempts against the wishes of tired old men who are afraid of new ideas.

I failed to see the world as it really is; instead seeing the possibilities that can arise with one's verve and bravado. Living in the true reality does remove one's inclination to strive and do something. Instead, one moves with a slow pace and tries to see how one can live in the slow lane even if this means doing uninteresting tasks like preparing a PowerPoint presentation instead of doing the actual effort of getting things done and completing projects. To GO LIVE is the ultimate goal of the project manager.

Today I looked at my old stack of company newsletters from a company where I worked in my mid-20s; re-reading articles that I wrote, being a member of the Editorial Board, being a mentor to young kids, deploying new accounting systems, training staff on computer technology, attending seminars and being active in office activities. I was finishing my MBA, about to get married, and just changed career; moving from government as an economist researcher to the private sector into the field of computer technology and project management.

Those were exciting times nearly 35 years ago, making significant changes in my life and career. I did not waste an opportunity that came my way. I worked in that company for nearly 10 years before moving to Singapore where I lived for 7 years. Those times in Singapore were also exciting where I made another significant move. I recently posted a video of those times in Singapore which brought wonderful memories.

Now in my current stage of life, I still have my wits and with significant project management experience, just changed departments though still within my trade. It's been a long voyage across continents, to different cultures and companies. I survived and thrived all these years, though some moments filled with stress and anxiety, with so many changes occurring that I thrived in these circumstances. I am a global worker; moving with the tides where ever the economics would bring me. 

New Battles

With my career at the office at almost 30 years, looking for enthusiasm and excitement in the daily drudgery is not that difficult. I think I have achieved some peace by focusing on the moment though sometimes one thinks of the status of what one must have at my age and years of service. But that reeks of feeling privilege breeds resentment and rumination when one just needs to enjoy the simple aspects of working every day; be able to do one's trade to the best of one's abilities.

Others who are more fortunate to go up the ladder quickly do not make me feel bad though sometimes one feels resentment but with the realization that a higher role may not be apt for one's temperament. I like being in the front line so to speak, to be James Bond out in the fields instead of this boss 'M'. Smiley in John Le Carre's book is a good example of a master handler; orchestrating spy coups while working behind the scenes though this work did have its moments of strategy, boldness, and discrete actions.

Working with much younger people who are driven and smart does not exclude me from the game as I keep trudging along with difficult projects though far from the work that attracts the limelight. Like Smiley, I like to delve into the shadows, orchestrating and coordinating work behind the scenes so that my colleagues do recognize my experience and subtleness; not the usual blow-hard pronouncements of the grizzled old veteran. Somehow I manage to keep the youthful enthusiasm and spirit of a much younger man; without the bitterness or sullenness of a middle-aged careerist who may not have ascended the heights of management.

I do say what I feel and bring out my thoughts that others might be circumscribed to control that one may have a reputation of being a loose canon instead of a feel-good management climber who says what people like to hear.  I still have this urge to throw the bomb out of my own nature to say it it is but perhaps this hint of feeling bypassed that one needs to take a stand out of experience while must the younger generation. After all, I am a veteran of multiple projects and worked in different places like Asia, Europe, and US. So I have the gravitas of the old experienced warrior who may have crossed a few lines that prevented a career rise.

One is just grateful to be working in the field, doing what one does with quiet victories, and achieving simple goals like regular golf, Toastmaster's meetings, running 5k races, biking and hiking, and enjoying good food and movies. To be mentally and physically healthy with the good cheer of the old happy worker living out the remaining years of a long career with a chance to achieve a lifelong career in retirement that one has been preparing oneself is the ultimate victory of this quiet journey.

In the meantime, one faces new battles with new actors on the stage, a new way of working, a young and envigorated management team plus exciting developments in technology like AI that could potentially change the way one works. The old warrior adapts and journeys to this new terrain, keeping his wits with his nose close to the ground, keeping himself fit to maintain the relevance and stamina needed in the new workplace after the specter of COVID finally recedes in the background. 

Keeping Grudges

Yesterday I competed in a 5k race downtown with slight rain pouring down at different times. It was a nice day when the sun came out for a few moments but mostly downcast and cloudy. Running along the city streets, the park, and the swamp rabbit trail where we normally biked on weekends, it was a great morning despite the rain.  In the afternoon, I went swimming for about 30 minutes and enjoyed the hot tub and sauna. I ate Cuban roast pork with mojo sauce at lunch and enjoyed a glass of wine. It took more than 6 hours to cook the roast pork.  I drank cafe liqueur with gin and tonic water. 

Today, Sunday, afternoon I biked for 2 hours struggling with my racer bike because my e-bike had a flat. Nevertheless, it was a nice though cold and windy day. We biked after lunch with the remaining Cuban roast pork with black beans and yellow rice with mojo sauce. I ate too much which made me want to exercise to compensate for too much food and drink. I try to enjoy myself with activity as my mind keeps having thoughts of resentment of my former management, those moments of humiliation and anger that I keep inside. Despite my attempts at meditation and mindfulness and consciously avoiding troubling thoughts, my mind circles back to past grievances.

My week in the office was good with the team getting back to work after the Christmas holidays and getting on with new challenges. I continue to lead the obsolescence and migration project as the other PM is on vacation. I brought in new people - a database expert, a full-stack architect, and additional testing resources. I organized a meeting to get an old architectural document updated and responded to emails on this topic. I also attended meetings on a crisis impacting customers who are using multiple systems to create their accounts. I am also preparing for a major system testing scheduled this year.

All this new work is good for me to keep occupied, practice my trade as a project manager, learn new topics, and lead these activities to fruition. I also participated in Toastmeast meetings, evaluated a speech, and went to the gym to prepare the the 5k race this weekend. Despite this busy schedule, I can't help but have these churning thoughts of past resentments dominate my mind during moments of idle thought. Meditation does allow me to monitor my mind and try to consciously leave this state of negative thinking. It is a struggle especially when I sleep in the evening.

Meditation is supposed to deconstruct the mind according to some thoughts, but the struggle is to construct it in a state of 'non-duality' which is not an easy task as the EGO always comes back with a vengeance. I feel less hesitant moving forward on my projects, and less self-doubt which is the benefit of a less troubled mind with churning thoughts, trying to avoid 'predictive thinking' and living in the now. This is the task one needs to train the mind as it comes out of meditation with the awareness of churning thoughts.

Brain Rot

I was in the office today but spent most of the time surfing the web and reading various news stories about Russia and Ukraine, the Korean air disaster, eulogies on Jimmy Carter, and so on plus articles on dementia, mindfulness, and exercise. This type of behavior is often called brain rot, where the mind allows itself to be distracted; drifting from one topic to another and not focusing on the task at hand to revise a design document. 

I did do some work in the morning, reading emails, and coordinating a meeting on the remaining project task though these were trivial activities that one could multi-task while surfing the net. The office was empty and I did not need to be at work but went anyway thinking that I would not be procrastinating while at my work desk. Finally, near the end of the workday, I started to focus with the help of binaural beats using earphones. Perhaps it is my age that now requires me to use external techniques to keep me focused.

Meditation and mindfulness are supposed to keep me on track but that did not help today. I went to the gym and used the treadmill for 30 minutes and met a former colleague who retired a few years back and had a conversation reliving the old days. I updated him on the recent event before going back to the office to procrastinate some more. After work, we celebrated my son's birthday with my wife in a Japanese restaurant and ate sashimi, edamame, miso soup eel with rice, and squid balls. At least the day ended well with good food.

Procrastinating is the biggest challenge where one allows distraction to take over despite being mindful of allowing oneself to drift while watching movies and reading many trivial books to prevent the actual work from being done. Brain rot is like the disease of the elderly, where one allows oneself to go to seed without fighting that last good battle to achieve transformation. I intend to fight this drift by learning to juggle plus more frequent use of TCDS devices to zap electricity to my brain.

I already use devices like PEMF and binaural beats plus music therapy nearly every day to supplement my daily meditation and Tai Chi. These activities have reduced my usual rumination and catastrophe thinking though I still catch myself with thoughts of doubt in my work and anxiety towards work and my relationship with my friends. I fear shame with an insecurity complex or possibly low self-esteem, comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate.

Thankfully therapy and meditation keep me sane as I constantly challenge myself instead of just taking life as it is. The year-end allows me to take stock of where I am and realize that too much thought is dreadful. However, listening to a podcast about how philosophy can make you happy but contemplating one's life and with self-awareness and reflection can make a good life move achievable. The Scandinavian way of enjoying the outdoors,  exercise, 'fika', and 'hygge' is the Nordic secret to being happy.