Coming Back to Oblivion

Last week I had a tough meeting where my proposal was proven to be not good plus my approach to the current project may not be the right one. I pivoted and agreed to follow the proposed process, trying to show non-nonchalance and that I could swiftly change course if that was the way to go. The director that  is following up on this project seems to like my approach so I am confident that I am not in a bad path though some adjustment maybe feasible to maintain good rapport with my colleagues. My boss seems to agree with me but he defers to the young lady who is quite driven and smart and likely in the right.

During the scheduling of this meeting I tried to bring another young colleague to join but he is perpetually postponing meetings that I invite him to. I think he is either insecure of joining meetings because he has nothing to contribute, he is really busy on his project but unfortunate, not updating his calendar. At any rate, he sometimes is a pain in the ass but one should keep encouraging as he is young and much to learn and grow. He seems to be a good friend with the young lady and good to keep supporting them in in their good graces. I am not emotionally intelligent (EQ) so sometimes I miss social signals.

I also attended another party with my friends and I am getting tired of too much of these social sessions. The party was fun but getting to be tedious with guest taking turns singing karaoke, eating having conversations and having a good time. The other week was lunch and dinner at my friends house setting up a pergola and the week before was a wedding. Despite these social activities in the weekend, I go get to work on my project painting my back yard patio. We did miss a children's party today as we did not feel like attending as I had to continue painting and my wife seem not interested since it was for kids. Nevertheless, my other friends joined to show support as likely they had nothing to do.

My mind was churning with thoughts in the past week, causing some sleepless nights which I tried to address by listening to Gregorian chants or binaural beats to put me to sleep. Irrational thoughts driven by the meeting in the office where I think people are ganging up on me, feeling sorry for myself for not being better at EQ, thinking of plots and plans against me. Now with the social commitments that we neglect due to our personal projects, I feel further anxiety that our friends will cut ties as a previous conflict with another friend is again making me think that my friends are ganging up on me as well.

I wonder if the close election race, the misinformation and lies are also turning my head in these environment of divisiveness. It is as if the world is hurling forward to destruction, causing conflicts in the office and home; people siding with others to fight against another, of dealing with lies and subterfuge instead of discussing face to face in the light of day. Too much thinking is the bane of modern life; driven by pressures at home and at work that one wonders is sinking into oblivion without unwanted attention is the best remedy.

    

Coming Close

The election is approaching, and I feel anxious and concerned about the outcome. I know I should not let these external events stress me, following the mantra, one should not worry about events beyond one's control and just focus on what really affects and concerns you. I can't help it being a nerd with years of reading about US politics and elections and not that one is confronting historical events after reading books by Anne Applebaum that foretell the rise of autocracy. Then again I do overthink and let circumstances affect me without reason.

Last week was a good week with my interaction in a group chat with our division director; where I posted a comment requesting a budget after a domain manager reached out to me. I am not really the project manager as this is not really a formal project but I had to respond because I was the de facto or acting PM. Besides this is a chance for me to show what I can do after the events that transpired in the last year where my capability was being questioned by my former supervisor and platform manager. I feel that I am being seen in a new light due to my actions in the recent months.

Last week I finished a course in Gen AI for PM from the PMI organization which was very informative and useful. I believe I am the first who has attended this course and my boss encouraged me to talk about what I had learned in our weekly meeting. Encouraging comments from my colleagues gave me confidence in sharing this experience with other groups by posting about these seminars in several Team's channels in Europe and USA in this area. I got few likes on my post but it was a good gesture to inform my network that I am in my new post and learning the latest technology.

This progress plus my interaction with our division director where I focused on responding to his questions I had my usual doubts about what to say but I stated the facts and got a good response. My mind kept jumping around mainly because of my new post and last year's events but I got my confidence back. Yesterday my friends and I met to help out in putting up a pergola as well as having a great lunch and dinner after the work has been done. My former supervisor was there and I showed my mettle by talking to others and showing that I had moved forward. I am a bigger person by letting old wounds lie and just moving ahead.

Amid all these work and personal events, I am working on my patio; painting the ceiling and putting up plastic covers, covering the uneven surfaces with speaking, spraying primer, and paying the ceiling twice. I have never done this type of work so I overcame my usual doubts and just went ahead with what I thought was the right thing to do with my previous experience painting my house and my dad's house in Lods Angeles way back when I was in college. I have come a long way and if I just keep my wits with me and not succumbing to panic and overthinking, I will get through and keep his sanity.

Watching John Ford

As a latecomer to John Ford's films, one is surprised at the sophistication and technical excellence of his films; realizing later that Ford has more Academy Awards as a director than anyone. I had the impression that his films were cheesy with cliche Westerns but in fact, his oeuvre can be compared to the works of Kurosawa and Bergman. My prejudice or rather my snobbishness made me miss the richness of his movies. I had seen movie scenes of his work many times but avoided plunging in; preferring foreign directors like Fellini, Antonioni, and Kurosawa and neglecting Ford who may be the best of them all.

It was the series 'Dark Winds' about a Native American sheriff located in the immense grandeur of Monument Valley with memories fresh from my visit to the desert near Temecula in Southern California. There was a scene in the series in a hotel in the valley where Ford stayed together with his film stars when filming his movies. My interest in Native Americans increased since watching the recent movie "Killers of the Flower Moon". I visited Cherokee village in the Smoky Mountains with a close friend many years ago and the memory is still fresh with the dances and museum visit.

Going back to Ford's Westerns was a welcome change where right and wrong was clear though there were moments of complexity that gave his films a fair and realistic tinge. It felt like a return to old values when the issue was clear unlike in today's world of disinformation, lies, and confusion. So far I watched 'My Darline Clementine', 'Cheyenne Autumn', and 'The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance' and can't wait for his other films. The performance of the old movie greats was also distinctive with nuances that I did not notice when watching these greats while growing up. 

Henry Fonda, Richard Widmark, John Wayne, and James Stewart are much better actors than I remembered them to be. Their old-time allure especially of old Hollywood brings back to my mind the books of David Niven of a Los Angeles that no longer exist. I always loved LA and my recent visit due to my niece's wedding recalled back to the old days as the reception was in an old Orchard.  I cling to the past of the old movies and books of those long-ago days.

A terrible hurricane swept through the Carolinas last week bringing power outages, lost internet, and destruction to mountain communities on a Biblical scale. I was disoriented last week after the storm, going to the office for 3 days due to no internet access at home, watching the news of the devastation in Western North Carolina, and seeing downed trees and pole lines everywhere while I took advantage of the lull amidst the storm by taking a course on AI for Project Managers; an excellent course that shows a path to the future.

In this chaotic situation brought about by the weather, I also struggle with my new circumstances being in this new department in my new role for about eight months. The noise and turmoil of the election adds to this mix that I often find myself bewildered though focusing on learning new things like AI and Power BI, while trying to fix a BI issue where I am trying out new skills. The election will be done so hopefully in a peaceful manner, while the hurricane has passed and people try to get back or rebuild their lives.

Further struggles lie ahead but a welcome respite watching Ford's old Westerns, reconnecting to old values, and moving forward with one's instincts and keeping one's wits. These old movie stars with their grace and perseverance offer a kind of hope though their kind is never to be seen before. A venerable Toastmaster also passed away a few weeks ago, someone who I had admired with his English accent and manners though he was from New Zealand as if he was from an old tie when people respected each other; an impression I had from my Grandmother who also passed away; a representative of any older and kinder time and those who remain here in this work for the moment are left to continue their example.

A Hollywood Story

The events that unfolded in the last week seemed like a Hollywood movie playing out in real-time. The protagonist is playing a role that portrays him as a child of destiny as if he was a leading man in true life.  If one did not know that he is a con man with multiple lawsuits against his companies, declared bankrupt, and now a convicted felon who is familiar with the ways of Hollywood and cinematic plotting that brings doubt to the storyline now playing out in real life. In fact, this strategy has been used many times in history; to distort the events of one's life to portray a hero in the making.

Perhaps it is a story of redemption or transformation; a near-death experience that brings enlightenment that the hero emerges ready to take the mantle of leadership and solve the world's problems. Peace in the Middle East.? However, one remains doubtful, especially with the real actors behind the scenes: a real dictator orchestrating the storyline to further his dreams of conquest; to revive the Soviet empire and wage real war to recover their former glory. It seems possible if one understands the dictator's origin as a practitioner of the black arts of spycraft.

Unfortunately, everyone goes about their daily lives watching television and watching the made-for-Hollywood movie playing on their screens. The true hero is an old man who has overcome terrible tragedies in his life until he has achieved true greatness but now old age has come to claim him as it does to all mankind. Perhaps this is the real story; of a great man overcoming his desire to remain in the fight but instead leaving the scene of battle to the next generation who are ready to engage in the struggle. Of a party still with its values intact and goals clear in sight while the other party is corrupted and lost.

This is the deeper storyline playing out if one discerns the true battle occurring behind the scenes; behind the spectacle of manufactured heroism, distorted values, and the capitulation of good people to remain in power; willing ( or perhaps unknowingly ) to become pawns in the great game that's been playing out for centuries but now with the new weapons of social media, Hollywood storylines under the shadow of a real war still being fought in European soil. Perhaps the only thing left is just to lie down in ignorance and let the darkness swallow one up.

Perhaps it is just overthinking like my week at work where my new projects were now removed for good reason; allowing me to work on new things and learn more. The constant adaptation in the workplace as one navigates the changing tide, still remaining relevant but attending courses and learning new ways of working. To go to lunch with good friends, eat good food, and talk about trivialities,  about new electric cars, vacationing in Europe, or thinking about skiing trips in the coming winter. We are all going to die anyway so why not just go with the flow.?

4th of July in Boston

Boston during the week of Independence day is like living in the past. Actors walk around in period costumes, history coming alive with events in old building like the reading the Declaration of Independence in the old State house, walking the Freedom trail with a character of the past - in my case Mother Goose - the Bostonian writer of nursery rhymes; played by a delightful part time actress also wearing the clothes of the 17th or 18th Century. Hearing cannons firing and muskets shots as the actor re-enacted imagined events in history.

We walked all over the city from Boston Commons to the Harbor front, eating six different types of Chowder during the Chowder fest in Washington Street, listening to concerts at the harbor front followed by fireworks over the bay. The next day, we went on a whale watching cruise with thoughts about Moby Dick; when catching whale was the main economic activity back in the day in nearby Nantucket. The obligatory visits to excellent museums like the Museum of Fine Arts and the singular Isabel Gardner Stewart Museum quenched the artistic side one normally gets when visiting a city.

On July 4th, we went to the JFK Library with it's magnificent location along Boston Bay in solemn solitude tucked away within the University of Massachusetts. A beautiful exhibit worthy of the tragic life commemorated in I.M Pei's elegant architecture. One's feels a certain fire and rebellion in the city with echoes of revolutions and rebels, of the Sons of Liberty and the Kennedys. The city seemed like an old world of simple truths with the fight for righteousness clear and valiant, mixed with times of victory and tragedy. Boston felt like a world lost in time; away from the confusion and tribalism of modern times.

 

Returning back to work refreshed as if Boston had clarified what was vital and important amidst the turmoil and confusion at work. I did a Toastmaster speech on my Boston visit in a cramped room with too many people, the visual aid not working so I had to improvise by holding my lap top screen in front of the audience. I completed my monthly reports, participated in department meetings and feedback sessions, attended a town hall, wrote emails summarizing the current status of a new project I was working on; in short back in the rat race.

A played a good round of goal on Thursday with my partner and I finally wining our round in the last day of the first half of the tournament, biking on Friday and swimming in the pool on Saturday morning. Afterwards working in the yard and dismantling a pergola to make way for my new enclosed back patio and deck at my backyard ; the construction nearing 2 months with the builder often sick or not feeling well because of the heat wave or depressions due to his recent divorce.  A few hours earlier as I wrote this blog entry, an assassination on a presidential candidate portend a grim future like all hell is about to break loose.    

Alternate Reality

I attended yet another presentation on AI last week and missed a few which I will watch later in the recorded webinar. In fact, there is nothing new in the previous session attended just a reputation on what AI is all about with some more information on current projects. My experience has made me believe that only a little one can do except use the products already created by Microsoft in the Co-Pilot features. In essence, the term best explains the AI feature as an assistant that would help you in your work.

There is a true benefit to be sure at a higher level where more focus and technical expertise are needed but for the ordinary Joe, using the readily available tools like Co-Pilot in Microsoft, ChatGPT and Google Gemini may provide the easiest exposure. Other tools that help one build a simple language model like Google Notebook may offer more specific use to those who have a goal in mind and the ability to make it work. Tools like Sudo Write may help an aspiring novelist like me though one does have to define how the tool will be used. 

The ordinary Joe will likely experience AI in the way ordinary services are provided for example more context and suggestion when one does a search in Bing or Google, a summary of a subject using Gemini and ChatGPT, programming coding in various tools like GitLab and so on. Otherwise, the AI experience will be beneficial to those who are inclined to dive into a journey with focus and intent. Most of the people who attend these AI sessions, perhaps about 80%, will not be interested in diving deep unless an AI feature already exists in the tool they use in their everyday work, following the provider's vision of how AI should be implemented.

Perhaps this is the danger that some experts warn about; allowing AI to do the work thinking that it's all-knowing and omniscient and would bring a slow descent into chaos; allowing things to play out until all hell breaks out. Watching the Presidential debate gave me that feeling; of watching a would-be dictator waltz in despite the obvious outcome of his actions; or the doddering performance of a president past his prime in television debates (though he may be more functional in private). The reality of both men's compulsion were clear for all to see though it's been there all along.

I can't help to feel the same; going to work trying to keep busy, to focus due to my procrastination and attention deficit. Is this is reality of folks my age ? To find techniques to maintain my wits and focus using tools like binaural beats, TDSC, mindfulness meditation, ADHD planners, and so on. One is on the threshold of change brought about by getting old, to observe life's absurdity as if being in an alternate reality. Like watching the country slide into dictatorship or alternatively to doddering socialism without as care on either option.

 

On Being A Professional

I had the chance to attend several web trainings last week. The courses I attended were Digital Marketing, Hybrid Project Management, and SAFe or Scaled Agile Framework. So much I did not know especially about SAFe despite being practiced in the company. I thought I knew what was going on but in fact, I was just winging it in my ignorance; based on a vague understanding of what was going on. It's more of the experience gained which I don't consciously recognize due to my predilection to having a 'beginners' mind all the time.

A beginner's mind is always good but needs to consider the skills and experience already gained with the many years at work. Similar to the way I play golf; still have that imposter's feeling of being a beginner and having all the techniques and stances and swing rules in the playing fields when one needs to throw that away and just 'feel' the game. This is how one graduates from being a perpetual amateur and into being an old hand. Lessons do help obviously but one needs to incorporate confidence by having faith and playing the game with one's natural 'feeling' and wits.

"Feeling" in golf means to chunk away the lessons in the mind but just go about playing with what feels right which is gained from many years of effort. I have been playing golf for more than 20 years and I should recognize that and not go back to being an amateur in my mental space. Similar to novel writing, I do not have the confidence to just write but instead, go back to the lessons and buy all sorts of webinars to continue my learning when I have read and write since my youth. This experience already entitles me to a certain confidence that should allow me to move ahead.

Instead, I continue to attend trainings to keep me updated when I am already ahead. For instance, when I already know a particular subject, I persist in borrowing all the books about the topic and submerging myself into the subject until I am an expert. Such efforts are actually useless and only an indulgence. Of course, at work, I do have to earn units regularly to keep my certification as a professional project manager. There is so much new technology or knowledge to learn that one is perpetually a student.

Last week, I presented an update on my project and introduced a metric that the domain managers liked. This output came out of my experience and not from any training. I have been a PM for 19 years and have been with the company for 29 years. I have many decades of experience in golf, reading and writing,  biking, swimming, and being a Toastmaster. This background qualifies me to evolve into a confident golfer, a successful novelist, and a professional manager. Banish my doubts and feelings of being an imposter and being a perpetual amatuer.