Brain Rot

I was in the office today but spent most of the time surfing the web and reading various news stories about Russia and Ukraine, the Korean air disaster, eulogies on Jimmy Carter, and so on plus articles on dementia, mindfulness, and exercise. This type of behavior is often called brain rot, where the mind allows itself to be distracted; drifting from one topic to another and not focusing on the task at hand to revise a design document. 

I did do some work in the morning, reading emails, and coordinating a meeting on the remaining project task though these were trivial activities that one could multi-task while surfing the net. The office was empty and I did not need to be at work but went anyway thinking that I would not be procrastinating while at my work desk. Finally, near the end of the workday, I started to focus with the help of binaural beats using earphones. Perhaps it is my age that now requires me to use external techniques to keep me focused.

Meditation and mindfulness are supposed to keep me on track but that did not help today. I went to the gym and used the treadmill for 30 minutes and met a former colleague who retired a few years back and had a conversation reliving the old days. I updated him on the recent event before going back to the office to procrastinate some more. After work, we celebrated my son's birthday with my wife in a Japanese restaurant and ate sashimi, edamame, miso soup eel with rice, and squid balls. At least the day ended well with good food.

Procrastinating is the biggest challenge where one allows distraction to take over despite being mindful of allowing oneself to drift while watching movies and reading many trivial books to prevent the actual work from being done. Brain rot is like the disease of the elderly, where one allows oneself to go to seed without fighting that last good battle to achieve transformation. I intend to fight this drift by learning to juggle plus more frequent use of TCDS devices to zap electricity to my brain.

I already use devices like PEMF and binaural beats plus music therapy nearly every day to supplement my daily meditation and Tai Chi. These activities have reduced my usual rumination and catastrophe thinking though I still catch myself with thoughts of doubt in my work and anxiety towards work and my relationship with my friends. I fear shame with an insecurity complex or possibly low self-esteem, comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate.

Thankfully therapy and meditation keep me sane as I constantly challenge myself instead of just taking life as it is. The year-end allows me to take stock of where I am and realize that too much thought is dreadful. However, listening to a podcast about how philosophy can make you happy but contemplating one's life and with self-awareness and reflection can make a good life move achievable. The Scandinavian way of enjoying the outdoors,  exercise, 'fika', and 'hygge' is the Nordic secret to being happy.

Nordic Vibe

The recent trip to Scandinavia introduced new concepts like 'fika' and 'hygge' which attempt to make life more enjoyable and keep one sane and happy. The cold climate in these countries is a challenge to live a comfortable life though surveys reveal that these are the happiest countries on earth. Their way of life and looking at things provide clues on how this state of being is achieved. One thing for sure is that the people in these locales manage to keep their closeness and their common sense alive in these difficult environments transforming these places with human warmth.

Naturally, one needs to be sensible and careful as the climate is inhospitable and deadly if one is not careful. However the naturalness of everyday biking, the customs of frequent gatherings with friends for coffee and parties, and the use of candles and light bring coziness and warmth. I have been watching several Nordic shows and movies to glimpse the ways of life and possibly the secret to a good life. Watching mostly detective shows and wonderful dramas by directors like Thomas Vintberg and classic directors like Ingmar Berman and Carl Dreyer portray a different perspective than American 'Hollywood' style movies.

A refreshing discovery with the possibility of living a different life or point of view in the coming new year. Buying furniture and kitchenware from Ikea with the Scandinavian aesthetic is a quick and simple way to live the Nordic way with design minimalism to evoke a way of life. Perhaps this newness is appropriate now that a new dawn seems to be breaking in this country with the recent election. There is a feeling of freshness as if a new dawn has arrived with parallels in history with the past election of Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, or Barack Obama that resulted in a transformative change.

In some inexplicable way or perhaps an inevitability that progressive liberals have missed, Donald Trump transcended into acceptability right in frbefore our eyes. This rightward shift is a wave cresting all over the world with reaction against immigration and diversity and multiculturalism; a shift into nativistic tribalism, for lack of a better term. A Scandinavian series 'Furia' portrays this trend against the perceived Islamization of Europe with reaction from right-wing groups with links to the Kremlin.

My ongoing interest in Russia, Ukraine, and the fall of the Soviet Union intersected with my Nordic interest after watching 'Furia'. I recently read 'OverReach' about the war in Ukraine and Masha Gessen's 'The Future is History'. One can't help but think these events portend a significant shift; a watershed moment when the world suddenly shifts to a new paradigm; more tribal and enclosed and likely less democratic. The recent election results may seem surprising but really a change that feels transformative and inevitable. 

Philip Roth's books such as 'American Pastoral' ; though I just watched the movie but read 'The Plot Aginst America'  to series like 'The Man in the High Castle' or even the new movie 'Civil War' may seem prescient. Scandinavian countries being some of the most happiest countries on earth may offer an answer to divisiveness and polarity. Perhaps 'fika' and 'hygge' may offer some relief.

Looking Back

I have lived sixty decades on this earth starting tomorrow;  quite a milestone writing this thought in words though I don't feel a bit different except perhaps feeling that time often moves in slow motion. I swam for 30 minutes this morning and ran on the treadmill for about 40 minutes yesterday. I may be healthier than most with my physical exercises while mentally I reflect more in my actions and thoughts. I don't need to reflect more than what happened this year.

I moved to a new department last February, leaving a stressful and toxic environment that pushed me to my limits; but glad to end up in a much better place with a mature leader and colleagues who are young and energetic and full of optimism. Before the move, I was living in limbo, while a new person took over my role and I was cast aside from working on specific projects. I had feelings of anxiety and stress; of self-doubt as my self-worth was affected and experienced some trauma.

I underwent several sessions with a therapist and practiced self-reflection and re-framing my experiences while I attended several courses online to gain credits and keep my certification as a project management professional. Keeping busy, positive self-reflection, gratitude and therapy kept me sane during these months. I also traveled locally to Florida and Boston and overseas to Prague, Malmo, and Copenhagen. I also watched opera, played golf, participated in Toastmasters meetings, and ran in some 5k races.

These activities allowed me to adapt to change, avoid harmful rumination, and emerge with a healthy mental state.  I worked on some new projects in my new post and in November, I took over several projects transitioned to me by another project manager who left the company. We went live last week on a significant project and will complete the annual year-end activities. I sent out an email reporting the go-live with some pride; though with the understanding that life has its ups and downs and I just had a temporary swing of the pendulum in my direction.

In this turn of events, half of my former squad was moved to another squad to improve efficiency which could be interpreted as not being effective in their former set-up. I felt vindicated that I was not the cause of the squad's problems which led to my transfer and change and the domain and platform leadership were just looking for a scapegoat to blame. The reorganization of the squad, resulting in the reduction of their scope, when I was no longer the squad lead, gave me an empty victory.

It was all for the good of the organization wherein my move triggered a change in squad leadership but was not enough to make the squad perform better instead the squad's scope was reduced and staff moved to a much better squad. I also perform better with a focused scope and with a better environment to grow and thrive in. We all went through a journey of personal discovery and change, and I did not succumb to my usual negative thoughts.

Redemption

Last week our project went live after being transitioned to me just a little more than a month ago. The project was complex and entailed the participation of about 4 separate teams. The project was in good hands before being handed over but I contributed more rigor and leadership as needed. The email I sent announcing the success and the response from leadership was vindication to me after the change of roles and transition to a new department that occurred this year. Finally, I felt I had proven myself to the people who doubted me due to their incompetence and unfairness.

I cannot help but feel good after those past months of trauma and doubt about my abilities. Last week was when I proved my worth though I did not really need to since I have been doing this type of work for decades in different zones starting from Asia-Pacific. But working with people who are ignorant and just looking to assign blame can cause you grief and stress unless one has to keep proving yourself. I have learned a lot in this journey and for sure I also needed to step up and thrive given the right help and support which I did not have. But all this pain went away with last week's success.

A friend of mine often remarked on my resilience and I have done it again though I was just using my wits to survive. I kept my nose to the grindstone and kept working until an opportunity came by with the departure of the former leader who was let go to cut costs. I had always thought that giving work to contractors despite the talent within the organization was not good business sense. This was proven again with the recent changes that all businesses had to go through due to the economic situation.

It is a new world now, especially after the election where a change of the guard is needed like a breath of fresh air with new leadership. Comets have been viewed photographed and posted in our user group and comets often are a portent of great change. In my small way, I am riding this wave of redemption, to return to courtesy and respect for one's abilities instead of fault-finding and pointing blame. I will continue to excel by working hard, being diligent, and being responsible. I did check my horoscope for the coming Year of the Snake and forecast seems promising. We shall see.

Scandinavian Treat

I just returned from a 9-day trip to Sweden and Denmark; four days in Malmo and another 4 days in Denmark. A short reprieve from the grind of work recently turned over to me. I had planned this vacation many weeks before the change in personnel was announced and all the tickets and bookings were already bought. The trip just came at the right time taking advantage of the Thanksgiving holidays so the departure was not really missed although I had to work remotely, attending meetings writing emails, and posting chat comments. In fact, it was a welcome return to my life in Asia; traveling and doing projects in Thailand, Japan China, Singapore, and the Philippines.

The life of a project manager is often an itinerant life;  of working with your laptop or phone in hotels, airports, or any place you happen to be where there is a WiFi connection. I joined a remote meeting in the new Library in Malmo near the castle circled by a moat, the library had a wall of glass where one could see across the street to the park. I had a chance to walk the streets of the old town and visit museums and art galleries. Denmark was a more spectacular and beautiful place, with its waterfront, elegant shopping lanes, Christmas markets, and palaces like Christianborg.

Despite watching Nordic shows like 'Borgen', 'The Bridge', 'The Killing'  and Wallenberg detective shows, being in the actual locale was exhilarating; eating the food, watching how the locals live, and learning their culture, especially the Viking phase was illuminating. Interesting lifestyle practices like 'fika' - short snacks with coffee and pastries; or 'hygge' roughly translated as cozy living or happy way of life is a different take on how one lives and enjoys his life. Far from the hustle and bustle of American life with its college sports and car racing. However, one does see some laidback values here in the deep South.

We enjoyed several trips this year: Prague in the Czech Republic, Boston in Massachusetts, St Agustin in Florida, and now Malmo in Sweden, and Copenhagen in Denmark. These trips were done during significant changes at the workplace: moving to a new department, working with new colleagues, assigned new projects and ways of working, and now a transfer of several difficult and complex projects in the last month due to the departure of key personnel. These trips have helped me expand my viewpoints and accept new challenges with an open attitude.

I have this insatiable urge to learn everything about Scandinavia, borrowing DVDs, books, and music and searching the internet. Soon my Nordic urge will go down after I have satiated my curiosity and I will go off to another interest. But the Scandinavian and Prague trips will have made me a different person as good trips often do when one goes beyond one's familiar comfort zones. This 'new' mindset is what  I need to tackle the new projects that I am working on: migrating from obsolete software and hardware assets; into the virtual cloud and operating systems; planning for Doomsday events and ensuring continuity of services.

New Journey

Last week was the first week I actively took over several projects transitioned to me by a highly competent Indian project manager who was let go. Several contractors, knowledgeable and technically competent, were let go, and sad to see them leave as news came trickling of their departure. I worked with a few of them though I felt no emotion as I was a direct recipient of their departure; to get their load of work that will keep me busy for the next few months. The pendulum has swung and the leviathan is achieving a new equilibrium.

The work is of a technical nature that I don't usually engage in but that is the card dealt me that I have to play them. Such are the events when one must adjust to circumstances as the economy turns to a direction in which the ship must change course. A lot has happened since the election that one must prepare for the new. A fresh wind has blown in and the portent of great change was seen in several photos of comets posted on the photography channel; an extraordinary number that one can feel a great change coming.

I worry about the workload but it is a welcome change where one is again on the grindstone fighting in the arena using one wits to succeed. But I have prepared for this event for a while now; attending seminars, trying new things with my devices, and reflecting on new knowledge such as Artificial Intelligence, Co-Pilot, and new ways of working. It is as if I am atop another wave, one among many that I have ridden and survived all these years in my long career.

The amount of workload is such that it is necessary to use the latest tools to keep the mind focused; to use visual management techniques like Kanban, Microsoft tools like Teams, Planner, and To DO list as well as meditation and mindfulness, vitamin supplements, and exercise. Not only is experience the key advantage, it is also one's physical and mental health, stamina, and interpersonal skills like communication, leadership, and empathy are all important as well. 

New information keeps coming up, software glitches occur, miscommunication happens, people don't understand what's being asked, cognition problems, decision paralysis, sleepless nights, insomnia, fatigue, and exhaustion both mentally and physically; all swirl around the project work with drop-dead deadlines. Indeed, one is back in the arena with new conditions and challenges one must stay calm with a quiet mind to succeed.

Coming Back to Oblivion

Last week I had a tough meeting where my proposal was proven to be not good plus my approach to the current project may not be the right one. I pivoted and agreed to follow the proposed process, trying to show non-nonchalance and that I could swiftly change course if that was the way to go. The director that  is following up on this project seems to like my approach so I am confident that I am not in a bad path though some adjustment maybe feasible to maintain good rapport with my colleagues. My boss seems to agree with me but he defers to the young lady who is quite driven and smart and likely in the right.

During the scheduling of this meeting I tried to bring another young colleague to join but he is perpetually postponing meetings that I invite him to. I think he is either insecure of joining meetings because he has nothing to contribute, he is really busy on his project but unfortunate, not updating his calendar. At any rate, he sometimes is a pain in the ass but one should keep encouraging as he is young and much to learn and grow. He seems to be a good friend with the young lady and good to keep supporting them in in their good graces. I am not emotionally intelligent (EQ) so sometimes I miss social signals.

I also attended another party with my friends and I am getting tired of too much of these social sessions. The party was fun but getting to be tedious with guest taking turns singing karaoke, eating having conversations and having a good time. The other week was lunch and dinner at my friends house setting up a pergola and the week before was a wedding. Despite these social activities in the weekend, I go get to work on my project painting my back yard patio. We did miss a children's party today as we did not feel like attending as I had to continue painting and my wife seem not interested since it was for kids. Nevertheless, my other friends joined to show support as likely they had nothing to do.

My mind was churning with thoughts in the past week, causing some sleepless nights which I tried to address by listening to Gregorian chants or binaural beats to put me to sleep. Irrational thoughts driven by the meeting in the office where I think people are ganging up on me, feeling sorry for myself for not being better at EQ, thinking of plots and plans against me. Now with the social commitments that we neglect due to our personal projects, I feel further anxiety that our friends will cut ties as a previous conflict with another friend is again making me think that my friends are ganging up on me as well.

I wonder if the close election race, the misinformation and lies are also turning my head in these environment of divisiveness. It is as if the world is hurling forward to destruction, causing conflicts in the office and home; people siding with others to fight against another, of dealing with lies and subterfuge instead of discussing face to face in the light of day. Too much thinking is the bane of modern life; driven by pressures at home and at work that one wonders is sinking into oblivion without unwanted attention is the best remedy.